Pain is love [entries|friends|calendar] Tiffany [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Not sure if anyone reads this or not... [05 Oct 2005|08:37am] I never have actually hit rock bottom before... and for the first time in my life.. I did. August I found out I was pregnant.. Eric and I decided to get back together. Things were wonderful, we never argued, everything was just perfect. Then, a 16 year old girl got hired at our pizza place job and things started to gradually go down hill. He began to have feelings for her and decided to tell me that he was unhappy in our relationship, and to tell me that he has been since we got back together.. but he's not fooling anyone, everyone knows that's a bold faced lie.. Not to mention.. he decides to tell a 13 year old girl on myspace that he has a girlfriend who is having a baby and loves her very much.. BUT he'll go to her house when I fall asleep and he'll have sex with her. Wouldn't you feel GUILTY?.... Of course not. So, here I sit.. Pregnant, alone, depressed, angry and confused.. and all I can think to myself is.. how in the world can someone who claims they love me more than anything not want to be with me... and want anything with some 16 year old when we're having a baby which is much more important than some girl who hasn't been there for him for anything?.. I feel emotionally sick. I feel as if I am dying inside.. and no one can revive me.. Why is this happening to me.. why am I being punished for his actions.. and why in the world can't I get a grip.. for myself..? For my baby?... Lord help me please.. I am in so deep.. * 1 Purr // Pet Me *

Woo.. [29 Jun 2005|06:59pm] I'll write later.. need to go tanning. * Pet Me *

[25 Jun 2005|08:42am] [ mood | awake ] I really love my life. I bought myself a tanning package, I remember when I used to go all the time and I was dark. I miss that feeling. It made me feel sexy, not that I don't feel sexy now.. but it'd make me feel better. Last night I decided to use my mothers tingle lotion.. worst mistake I ever made.. it made me so red that it looked like i was a lobster.! I had like a rash on some parts of me.. lol it wasn't funny. good thing is i can tell my arms are getting darker, and my legs are making some progress too. I've only tanned 3 days now though. Working on my base tan right now. Joe and I are finally talking again. I'm really happy about that. We're supposed to hang out tonight.. but something tells me that won't happen. I'm not getting my hopes up on anything, hence keeping my options open. Things are getting better at work I suppose, Jamela was actually nice to yesterday. Shocking really. Tiffany and I are friends again. She had to get a restraining order on her ex-boyfriend.. it has to be hard for her when she was with him for over 4 years.. but if he'll try to kill you, you better do what's best for you. I'm going to Tiff's family reunion with her on the 2nd. We have to get all dressed up like prom.. that should be fun! I cannot wait. Today I have to work at Buck's. Eric got fired last week, him and Todd are going through their " I'm mad at you " phase. I picked up my paycheck yesterday.. measly 50 dollars but.. hey it's better than nothing.. can't expect too much when you work 1 day a week for like 5 hours lol. I was suppose to have dinner with Matt last night but he had to cancel, so I went to the mall, Clint called me and told me there was a party at his friends, I told him I would go, I tried calling him later but no answer, so... what'd I do? I slept. * Pet Me *

Re-cap [20 Jun 2005|07:52am] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Jaheim- Remarkable. ] For anyone who actually read this.. thanks. Well, my birthday was Thursday. It was awful, the best thing to happen to me on that day was my party at work and winning 25 dollars at the bingo hall with my mother. I woke up that morning hoping Joe would want to hang out with me after I got out of work. Well, after work he called me and I asked him if he was doing anything spectacular that night and he told me no. So, I took the initiative to ask him if he'd like to hang out with me and I'd go rent a movie and watch it at my house. To my suprise, he agreed. I was instantly estatic. Well, my mother had called me like an hour before, and family always comes first for me. She wanted to take me to bingo for my birthday for some quality time due to the fact we never see each other very much anymore. So, I told him that I was going to go with her and we could hang out afterwards, he agreed. He said he'd go to Bonita and play cards at the dog track, and to call him when I was done. So, when I got out of the bingo hall I called him and let him know I was done and I was on my way home and he told me to call him when I got home. So, I called when I got home. He answered and told me he'd call me back in two minutes. No big deal, so I waited, and I didn't want to seem annoying but when 30 min went by and it was already 11 pm, I decided to call him back. And he answered and ended up telling me he wasn't going to drive all the way over here now it was too late. And then he tried to tell me he had already told me this before, and I was like no you never told me anything. I got upset and I said " Yanno what Joe, I'll just talk to you later " and I hung up. I was hurt, and I was sad because I was so unbelievably happy that we were going to hang out for my birthday that it crushed me when he changed his mind. Then I text him and told him i didn't think we should talk anymore.. because in my mind.. if he could do that to me, what makes me think he wouldn't do something else to hurt my feelings? And I'm an emotional person as it is, so I didn't want anything more to hurt me. Well, then I called him a little later because I wanted to tell him why I was so upset, and he would send me to voicemail, so I called him blocked and he answered, and he said he'd have to call me back.. and this was almost midnight.. and he was still at the dog track.. and what made me mad was he was still in bonita, but it was entirely too late to come see me. Any day of the year why'd it have to be on my birthday for some shit like this to happen? Well, I tried calling him all weekend and he wont answer my phonecalls. So after leaving a message telling him I was sorry for being so bitchy, I decided I'm not going to call him again because I don't want to make it look like I'm chasing him, or im being obsessive.. because that's the last thing I want, because im not even close to that. Just sucks because I thought I really connected with him.. Oh well. Friday night was good, I had to work 7:45-7 I came home and took a 2 hour nap, got dressed, Anthony called me and his friend Brandon was having a party in San Carlos. I decided I'd go. I didn't know anyone there, but it was awesome. At first I felt a little uneasy because I didn't know anyone.. but once I start drinking it doesn't matter anymore because I'm like this social butterfly lol. There were so many people there I don't remember half of their names. Ended up getting drunk, going to another girls house with everyone from that party and partied over there. Her dad owns taste of new york so their house was huge. I lost my charm to my necklace over at her house somewhere. Got back from there around 5, didn't go home crashed at Matt & Shawn's place. Saturday night was awesome. Worked at Buck's from 2-6:30, got to meet Todd's 3 kids. Came home got dressed, called some people to see what they were up to, Anthony called and told me they were going to Junkanoos and to come out there and they'd be going to an after party afterwards. I agreed, well I went to get Gillian at her house, and her friend was there and wanted to go to a party with us but we were going to hit up Junkanoos first, the sad thing is her friend isn't even 18 so she can't even get into the club, so she was freaking out about that, the girl ends up not wanting to go, so I was there 45 minutes waiting on Gillian to get ready and then when we walked outside I got into my car and Gill came over and said don't leave she had a feeling her friend wasn't going to come out with us and if that was the case she wanted to ride with me instead of taking 2 cars. Well, her friend decides not go to, and Gillian gets in my car and we take off. We're a mile away from her house and she calls her friend and is telling her how bad she feels for everything, and she decides she wants me to turn around and take her back to her car and she wasn't going to go to Junkanoos, I was pissed. I just wasted a whole damn hour at her house waiting for her because she told me to not leave cus she was going to go. So, when she got out of the car I told her not to even call me anymore because she does this shit every time, if it's not one thing it's another. She didn't want to let her other friend down but she is always so quick to let me down and I wasn't for the bullshit anymore. And she said ' Whatever Tiffany, you're acting so childish ' and I said no.. I would be acting childish if I hadn't sat here for an hour waiting on you, and got mad because you blew me off, that would be childish. So, I took off and drove out to the beach, and she kept calling me and I kept ignoring her, I ended up answering and she wanted to go to the party afterwards, after a while i agreed and when she got there later that night she came over to me and kissed me on the cheek and said she was really sorry, and i felt bad that i yelled at her. The party ended up being held at an apartment in Gulf Stream Isles, which was cool for me because I live in the apartment complex so I could walk home and leave my car parked over at Chin's house. The Party was awesome. We all got bathing suits on and decided to jump the gate to the pool, got in and 30 min later a cop came and was going to arrest us.. that was fun, he ended up letting us go,we went back upstairs to his apartment and like 5 of us got in the shower together, and Anthony got pushed by Nick and he fell backwards into the shower curtain and he took that out.. the place wasn't too trashed when we left.. but damn it was close to it. Good times. Sunday I took Anthony over to Matt's, and I drove around for a little bit, stopped at my mothers for I don't know what. Called Tiffany to see if she got to Port Charollette okay. Stopped in at the mall to look around, felt sick so I came home. Took a nap until like 9:30, decided I was going to go to Walmart and get some food. Called Chris to see how he was doing and he decided he wanted to go with me to Walmart so he came and dropped off his truck at my place and we took my car. Shopping was cool with him, it was just nice to hang out with him because he's just so full of positive energy. We drove back to my place and he helped me bring my groceries in and we watched the inferno on mtv and he left to go home. Didn't go to sleep until 5 because I was talking to my friend Jerod like practically all night. And this morning I am not feeling well so I decided to call in. I need rest, so that's what I'm off to do. * Pet Me *

June 15th 2005 [15 Jun 2005|11:42am] Tomorrow, June 16th 2005, is my birthday. I will be 20. * Pet Me *

Working. [13 Jun 2005|11:35am] [ mood | chipper ] Life is honestly great. I love everything right now.. I feel like I'm bi-polar sometimes.. but reality is.. I've never felt so good. Ever since Eric and I broke up a part of me has been missing. Not that I want Eric back, because I don't. Nothing would ever be the same between us. But meeting this new guy, Joe, has really made me realize that there are some good guys out there left. He's simply amazing. I'm so estatic about this whole situation.. Thank you Lord for my brighter days.. :) I watched The Notebook last night. I absolutely loved that movie.. I was crying my eyes out the whole time. I am going to go over to my mother's tonight and get the other movie I rented from Amber. Seed of Chuckie. Should be interesting. I always liked the Child's play movies. I have to go back to work soon. I love my job, but sometimes I find it hard to like it because having someone who works with you despise you more than anything makes things difficult. Especially when this person is a senior teller, and also a supervisor. While this person is suppose to be civil and non-judgemental.. But honestly isn't. I heard her last week on Friday saying " if she wants to step to me, let her " and I thought to myself.. You're 30 something years old, I am 19.. and yet I am more mature than you?.. Fighting someone is high school shit.. especially in the environment we're in, we're suppose to be professional.. but i suppose she doesn't understand that, or maybe she doesn't care. Ah, I feel enlightened, and loved today! :) * Pet Me *

[12 Jun 2005|04:01pm] I have been cleaning and cleaning today. My Clothes are all cleaned, and my house is spotless. I miss more than anything is being.. bill less *sigh* * Pet Me *

Update [12 Jun 2005|02:38am] I had a date the night before.. and that went well.. I liked him he was cool. But tonight.. I went out with this amazing guy, and honestly when I say amazing it's an understatement. When I got to the movies, we were talking on the phone.. I walked up to the theatre, and he was behind me some ways.. and he asked what color shirt I was wearing, and I told him pink, and he said.. turn around im behind you, I turned around and I was like.. Wow.. he is gorgeous.. a lot more gorgeous than I remembered. The night went great.. we laughed and joked around.. there honestly wasn't any moment at all that I felt the least bit uncomfortable.. I think it was the best time I've had since Eric and I broke up.. and honestly.. I was happy. The only thing that sucks is he lives in Naples.. He already called me, and he's coming to Ft Myers tomorrow, and wants to spend the day with me. That makes me really happy. He's simply.. Amazing. goodnight, i need sleep * Pet Me *

[10 Jun 2005|09:22pm] Tonight I'm going out with someone new.. I hope everything goes good.. Wish me luck * Pet Me *

What's the problem here. [09 Jun 2005|10:48pm] Hm, I feel sad now. I shouldn't have made that phonecall. I feel so indecisive.. did I do anything wrong? When I first started working at the credit union, I talked to Jaime a lot, and Faith. But when they left for other branches, I started talking to Tiffany, and we hit it off really well. we were going through a lot of the same things with the relationships we had been having. But lately we have been distant from each other.. we used to talk like 3-4 times a day.. and now it's barely ever. I had been wondering why we haven't been hanging out as much and what not And today after we had our dinner at Fridays with the branch co-workers, I called her and asked her if she had a problem with me now.. because she is friends with Jamela and she doesn't like me.. and I didn't know if she had stopped talking to me because of her.. So I thought I'd ask, and she basically told me off on the phone. She acted as if I did something wrong, she said I should have came at her in person rather than on the phone, and I didn't see the big deal, I sat on the other end of the line thinking to myself.. why in the world is this girl so upset.. I was just asking to make sure we were okay. Is that wrong? I ended up crying.. not balling my eyes out.. just some tears fell.. and I don't even know why. I'm not easily hurt by my friends. * Pet Me *

I hate this depressing feeling. [07 Jun 2005|07:23pm] [ mood | depressed ] For the past two weeks I been catching myself drifting in and out of depression.. while I am so happy.. I am so sad at the same time. I try so hard to be happy all the time.. or at least seem as if I am.. but this whole in my heart is just way too much to handle anymore. I'm tired of being alone.. I'm tired of feeling as if no one will ever love me. Most of all I'm tired of feeling as if I deserved all of this. I have so much to be proud of.. I have a wonderful job, I have my own place.. I take care of myself.. something I never thought would be possible. But, I do it. I have a sense of stability.. I can still go out and spend money on myself.. what could be better than that? I just never really wanted to admit how lonely I really am. I want so bad to have a relationship again, and get the butterflies I used to get when I was having fun, and starting to fall in love.. I'm tired of sleeping alone.. I'm tired of having second guessed myself on decisions I've made in the recent past. I really want romance.. more than just a 'boyfriend', but a man who I can relate to, and can relate to me. I want to be suprised and be treated better than I ever have been before.. I just want something simple.. but what to me would just be huge if that makes sense. I wish this feeling would go away, and I could be happy.. * Pet Me *

[28 May 2005|01:13pm] [ mood | amused ] Ended up at Junkanoos last night. Partied it up. Eventhough I didn't have a wristband, I was drinking it up.! When I don't think the week before can be topped, it does! Work, then grocery shopping, then party tonight Tomorrow- work and then out of town for the rest of the night & monday love me? * Pet Me *

[23 May 2005|11:14pm] I am worth $1,571,538 on HumanForSale.com * 2 Purrs // Pet Me *

[23 May 2005|12:49pm] Work is cool. I love my job. I need a nap. *yawn* * Pet Me *

SATURDAY NIGHT FEELING ALRIGHT.. :) [22 May 2005|12:54pm] Well, yesterday I worked at Buck's made me some killer cash. $84 in tips. :) Boy was I happy. Eric and I were the only drivers and we did very good for being short handed, and last night was better than Friday night for the store, go figure. We were barely late on deliveries, and I was having a good time. Acacia called me at 7:00 and I didn't answer because my phone was in the car, but she listened to the message and said she was sorry about the party bus situation and she didn't blame me for leaving. If you seen half the shit that was going on.. you would have left too. But she went on to say she was going to a party with a better crowd and they are more my people. And she started naming off people and the only one I knew was Korey. So I was like, yeah it'll be more my crowd, I'll go. She called her boyfriend and asked if she could crash at his house so I wouldn't have to drive, and I could get shit faced. And that's exactly what I did. We got to the party a little after 12, went and said Hi to Korey and he was already drunk. Then Kelly came over, and she's like HEY TIFFANY, and she almost fell over, she was more than trashed. We proceeded into the party, and someone ended up giving me a drink I was doing shots, and then the next thing I know, I'm on a pool table, getting humped by Kelly. I was like oh my goodness. Then, for some reason Korey took me into a room and Kelly and Acacia came along, and all I remember was being on top of Kelly, and then getting grinded up on by Korey. And then getting out of the room lol. Lol.. I had to go to the bathroom and I knocked the candle over. Haha... and then we decided to leave because it was almost 2. So much happened, I ended up calling people, half of the convos I don't remember taking place.. GREAT NIGHT LET'S DO IT AGAIN! Have to go to work. :) * Pet Me *

Awesome~! [21 May 2005|12:45pm] So, it's almost 1, and I need to get ready for work. Today I have a feeling I may make some money which is a good thing. I really like making money! I made myself a promise the other night, and that's not to get upset about things anymore, especially that have to deal with Eric, and for once I'm going to stick by it. While somethings may bother or hurt me, I'm going to be strong and not let it phase me, or at least not let it show. Because in reality, if they know they're getting to you, they know they still have you. But once they see they don't hurt you or bother you anymore what happens? They want you back, happened 2 weeks ago, and I'm sure will happen again. I just need to be strong and let it be known that I want nothing to do with him. I honestly despise him, so it won't be hard, right? One thing that continues to confuse me is the fact of how much easier this breakup was on me than my last one, maybe because it was longer.. or maybe because he was my first for everything? What would you say to a situation like this. Say you had a kid a 17 years ago, and your wife and you were going through a divorce at the time. You two were settling for custody,and at the time you had been paying $310 a week for child support, and your wife informs the judge that you would never see your kid again and she wants you to have no visitation rights whatsoever. So, the judge makes ruling stating that you will never have to pay child support again, due to your ex-wife's performance in the courtroom. Unfortunately, 17 years later, you find out that your ex-wife has been receiving child support through the state because she was claiming you wouldn't pay. So, after 17 years the state freezes your assets and takes away all of your lifes savings for back child support. You send in your judgement that you never had to pay because of your ex-wife's attitude in court, and the state calls you and says " Yes, the paperwork is legal, but unfortunately due to the new law passed, this judgement is void. " What law you ask is this? The dead-beat dad law. Here's the one question I have .. How in the world can you hold someone liable for a decision made 17 years ago, in courtroom nonetheless, and make them pay back childsupport when they were told they would never have to again by a judge? Just a thought.. * Pet Me *

Friday~! [21 May 2005|12:42am] Well, it's satuday morning and I am updating.. but! It was a good day, I got upset at Tom this morning because he begged Jamela to go in the lobby, and to make me stay out in the drive thru, and then turned around and lied and said Jamela asked him to do it lol.. Funny man, truth is he begged so he would get out on time. I didn't get out of work until 7, been there since 7:45 AM. We close at 6, I got done with the last member at 6:20, and balancing was a pain in the ass. Came home and talked to a couple people, Tiffany called me and I talked to her for a while, and then left to go up to Buck's. I went up there and chatted with Todd. Since I had been gone he fired two of our staff, Taylor and John. Which sucks.. because Taylor was the first girl I got along with at this store since I started working here a year ago. I am the only female who is still employed since Todd took over, he's fired every other one. And I feel bad for John because, he didn't really fit in with our group there, until a while ago, and it sucks that he had to go because he leaves his topper on his car and speeds around town with it on. Tomorrow I have to work, I'm tired, I need to get my nails filled tomorrow. Looks like I have a day cut out for me :) * Pet Me *

Golly gosh! [19 May 2005|05:08pm] Why is it everything always has to be so complicated.? I hate this feeling of being alone. Not that I hate being alone.. but I hate feeling as if I don't have someone to care about me. I hate that I seem to get walked over a lot of the time. I need to toughen up and not be so nice about certain things. My sister's graduation was nice, I loved it. It reminded me of when I graduated a year ago. It was emotional.. and I wasn't the graduating! lol. The speeches seem to be the same each year, and repetitivness isn't good. I wonder when someone is going to say something totally different, which will have a lot of meaning. Graduation from Mariner was last night, and Lashea never called me and I didn't get out of work until late, so it was pointless to call her being that she was more than likely at Habourside anyhow. So, that sucked. I missed out on the graduation of the 2005 seniors. Oh well. Work is kind of stressful for me right now, eventhough it wasn't busy.. the fact that Karen is gone and has left Jamela in charge is just stressful in itself. Jamela is already rude when not under pressure, and her being under pressure hasn't helped anything either. It's annoying for someone who already believed they were so much above you, but to actually be in charge is even more ANNOYING. When you ask her for some help she just helps a little bit rolls her eyes and runs off to do something else when you're not even done with her, she wouldn't be a good supervisor at all. If she were to be supervisor is the future she'd have to straighten up her act to make sure people respect her and like her, because she's not doing it for me right now. My ceramic iron isn't working anymore for some odd reason, I may have to call the company and tell them they need to send me a new one, or im sending it back. lol. I really like this one person.. and it's kinda scary, we talk a lot.. I don't know, he makes everything all good and dandy. I can't wait to talk to him. I have never felt this sort of happiness, And it's very hard to explain. * Pet Me *

Let me see.. [17 May 2005|12:00pm] Hello Today is a good day. It's my early day at work,and my sister's graduation. Everything has went perfect so far, no misunderstandings, no arguments.. nothing. I love that feeling of being free. I love life right now. Bye. * Pet Me *

Hello. [16 May 2005|11:41am] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | Mariah Carey-Shake it off ] It's been a crazy past week. I've done so many things that I can't even begin to explain. At this point in my life, I now hate my ex, I love my job, I love myself, and I am happy. All in all.. It's all good. Mariah Carey is a genious.. she knows exactly how to express how she feels in a song, and I can relate.. the CD is just simply beautiful. I had a great time in Busch Gardens, and I upgraded my pass to a seasonal pass.. and because I work at Suncoast Schools I got my pass for 10 dollars, awesome huh?. I miss how it feels to be loved. "Just gotta shake it off.. because the lovin' ain't the same and you keep on playin' games like you know I'm here to stay" Got to do what's best for me, just gotta shake it off. Enough said. I don't miss you. * 3 Purrs // Pet Me *

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